When I’m lying in bed with all the lights off and all I can hear are the cars going silently across the road outside my window, that’s when the fear kicks in. No, I’m not scared of the dark and no, I’m not scared of the sound of tyres screeching across gravel..I’m scared of my endless and limitless thoughts about life and most importantly about death. Whenever I read a news article about someone unintentionally passing away or when someone commits suicide it makes my heart and eyes sweat. I’m a strong believer in “everything happens for a reason” and “karma”, but does this apply to death? What I mean is, if everything happens for a reason and if someone is killed then does that mean it was their time to go, was it meant to happen to them? Are you confused? Because I am. For the last couple weeks I get really anxious and fearful when I’m driving or being a passenger or even when I’m walking and there are cars passing me, weird, I know but just the thought of being in a car crash and dying makes me want to crawl into bed and never leave.
The definition of death according to Wikipedia: “Death is the cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism”. The word death itself sounds so abrupt and cold. In today’s world we all throw this word around like a bag of crips “oh..this workout will be the reason of my death”, “this assignment is going to be the death of me” etc etc etc, ya get the gist of it yeah?
Everytime I leave my room in the morning to go to uni or work I always just stand outside my door and just look at my unmade bed and clothes on my floor and wonder in silence ” if I were to die today, my family would come to my mess of a room and that would be my last belongings to them”. Or even when I take weird pictures on my phone I wonder who will see them when I die, hella weird and creepy I know, but I know I can’t be the only one who thinks like this.
I feel like each day my fear grows and I have no idea how to control it. I try to be one of those optimistic, full of life people by telling myself “live each day as if it were your last, life’s too short to worry about every little thing” but I am and never will be able to be one of those people even if I try. With everything happening in our world and all the extra stress we all carry on our shoulders whether it be stress from uni, work or family/friends it makes “live like it’s your last day” almost impossible. If we were to live like that then we would all be careless and happy.
Anyway I don’t know were I was heading with this post, just in one of those moody moods were everything seems to be some shade of grey 🙂